I was in the county jail months before I came to prison and I was tripping on all the words the D.A used in my trail that I had no idea what they meant. I told myself then I would not let unknown words trap me. I started studying the dictionary in the county jail and reading all I could. I began to awaken the sleeping student inside me and thus my first steps on my journey. I came to San Quentin and checked out all the books I could get on English, Grammar and Word History from the prison library and education department. I continued to study different kinds of dictionaries. In a notebook I wrote down word definitions. I used my favorite words in sentences in another notebook. I became enraptured with words. I said certain words aloud numerous times, and pondered a word like I did the garden in front of the prison chapel or a sparrow sang in a tree. Words would be what self-rehabilitated my thinking and me. Learning a few new words each day. With each new word, I wanted to do something. The words brought geysers of activities erupting inside my mind and soul. The more words I read, studied and pondered the more clear life became. I became richer and deeper inside. I could see, taste, feel and touch the growth taking shape inside me. Understanding things I never understood before. It was like I walked down an endless hallway full of dark rooms and each room I passed a light came on and I learned something new. It took all the adult high school education classes offered in the daytime. At night I took all the college classes and self-help personal expansion programs offered. When I came back in 1980 to San Quentin, rehabilitation had not became a dirty word. Plus there were only 12 prisons then and now there are 33 on paper. Self-rehabilitation was working, especially at San Quentin, where I eventually took a data processing trade. A trade that was so successful at San Quentin, that it was featured in a CBS News segment. The Arts-In-Corrections programs, there were so successful that people internationally still speak of Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot" being performed there in 1988 before a world audience. The church program ran by Chaplin Smith at San Quentin was so successful its choir won national awards. The faith based and the spiritually based programs, especially the ones I were involved in like; The-Course-In-Miracles, Toast masters, reading books for the blind, Transcendental meditation and Arts-In-Corrections, all of these programs stressed taking responsibility for your actions, forgiveness, growth, love and peace. The resources and programs were there when there were only 12 prisons. Now in 2006, there are no trades or higher education classes taught in the prison I am in. Despite the word "rehabilitation" being brought back into California prison system in 2005. It is a hollow word without program resources to back it. Looking back I see how words, unknown words particularly, had intimidated me all of my life before prison. Words like Grammar, Language, Composition and Algebra. Words used by the D.A like propensity, purport and depict. Not knowing what they meant had cut me off from getting to know parts of myself. I know now my self-rehabilitation started with words. At first, I only knew this sub-consciously. After years of constant growth, writing and studying myself, words became my life - my light. My shining soul in darkness. Words were my dreams, my wood to stroke the fires in my spirit. Words coming out of realness are redeeming. Life rehabilitation became a question of doing. I had to make myself active in programs and in my own self taught studies. It makes no sense to sit like a basket of fresh fruit left to rot in a desert sun. In all life, growth starts with the individual. Self-rehabilitation works. I had to choose to change, which meant to get to know myself, and find my niche, bliss and myth in life. I had to till the endless gardens in my mind, heart and soul. I had to come a new, despite being in prison.
PRISON DAY
We came off lockdown and they finally ran yard. Already I am starting to replenish my lockdown supply of fish and soups and a little junk food. My brother Bishop sent my last package and I am storing some of that away. It was refreshing to take deep breaths out in the open air again. Although today there was a fight on the yard and tear gas was fired to break the fight up. I was on the upper workout area doing dips, push-ups and pull-ups. The fight was down the slight hill on the yard in a particular area. However, the over zealous warder fired tear gas bullets up in the area I was at. The warder on the yard speaker announced down on the yard. I sat down and looked down where fight was and I saw the fat silver metal object coming my way, I leaned forward. The tear gas pellet nearly landed in my lap. It dropped and sizzled with pale burning smoke, sucking the air away. Bringing tears from my eyes. Somehow a misguided warder shot three tear gas bullets into this area where there was no incident. The warder in charge came up and told us in the work out area we could move up to the basketball court where there was no smoldering gas. When the expelled shells of gas were recovered and they had taken the combatants away, the yard was back to normal program. I had enough working out for that day and walked a couple of laps before finding a spot just to sit until yard recall.
STAY REAL SECTION
We were still on lockdown when Stefan, Lena, Ms. Rebecca Devant and “Järva Röster” choir came to America, San Francisco to perform our CD "Freedom for the Prisoners". The entire choir from Sweden. Thank you all; Rebecca Devant, Mezzo-soprano, I love your voice! Thank you Miriam Engström on piano and thank you “Järva Röster” choir, your wonderful realness voices. Thank you J. J. Hollingsworth and Sounds Found Orchestra. Thank you all for you realness and for signing the program to me! Thank you too brother! Realness hugging both sides of the planet like ocean waves lapping shores! Thanks for the powerful concert and I was among you all. I hope we can do something again. Although we were still on lockdown, visiting was allowed so I got two splendid visits from Stefan and his wife, my "sister" Lena. Realness people, thanks for all your love and wisdom. All is fine and I am still growing and glowing like I know all of you are. I have not lost hope nor I am discouraged. My insides, my heart, mind soul and spirit are free. My body well was craving freedom real heavy in Newsletter # 4 2006. Although I take my body with me in my dreams. Some spectacular dreams at times. Yes, my body is a part of the whole of my being. Yet because of the walls.
If my body spoke only for itself and to the rest of my being it would say; "Why must I stay behind these walls? While the spirit, heart, mind and soul wander and roam from city to city, country to country - planet to planet and star to star? Why must I breathe all this stale unmoving air? Why must I hunger for a cool breeze in summer? A warm bath in winter or a warm bath in general - a dip in a pond, a lake or stream? A gentle touch and a deep hug?" "I would leave" said the body " but Being, you would not now how to get along without me. How to feel, sing or dance - how to make romance or even sleep. You would not know how food tastes or how a flower smelled - although you don't get much real food. But I'll stay because we are one" said the Body! Being answered "Never loose you hope and dreams, Body. For at first the sky held only emptiness until it's longing for company was filled with stars and planets. The planets and stars and skies have not stopped dancing since. For as long as we are here on Mother Earth and the breath is air, we are one." I know, a weird little story. I have not lost hope, heart or love. Like the sky, love and realness have no end.
BIRD STUFF
Sara, my plant friend, is still hanging on although she still has no leaves and is on two stems, her roots are still strong and her companion plant and me are giving her love. I think I have seen a few young black birds following their parents once since I have been off lockdown. I have seen turkey vultures circling. Still no baby cow birds or sparrows. No young pigeons either. I am sure I'll see some of those later on.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
Hopefully, I shall get out Newsletter # 8 in a more timely matter. I have been busy working on articles for the first time in my writing life. I have written two articles and both have been accepted for publication. Judith, my mentor edited them. One will be published in San Francisco Chronicle, which has a fairly large circulation. We are two for two with articles. Sending you all some Peace G. love and realness.
STAY REAL
