Greetings realness people!
I am sitting outside in front of the art room where I work, writing this newsletter. This is my fifth attempt at getting it down on paper. I shall not give up, and I shall get the newsletter written. I should have been done with newsletter number 10 by now. I have never been fond of the word "should" or "should not". I always use them under protest. I have never sat outside the art room and wrote a newsletter. I have sat here and wrote down poems, poem thoughts or inspirational thoughts. I sit here and observe the birds, the sky and other aspects of Mother Earth. Right now it is a crisp lure warm morning with no breeze. I have brought "Sara", my plant friend, out to share some air and water with her. I have a bag of sardines for lunch and will give her some fish oil. More new leaves are popping. We sit, watching and feeling the morning. I’ll leave her in the art room and continue the newsletter in the cell. So much have been happening and not happening. My heart and soul have been sad and have not been balancing the silence out in words or actions. My soul, my heart and even my mind at times have been drifting like a log in the middle of the ocean or like a clump of seeds looking for land. I sent the Board of Prison Terms a Board of Prison Terms. Asking for a parole hearing and to be released from prison. Based upon the laws in effect at the time of my conviction, I should have been let out of prison years ago. The Board of Prison Terms sent my appeal back with one thin paragraph stamped on the front of the papers: "...effective January 19, 1994, title 15 CCR §2817 was revised, eliminating the requirement for the Board of Prison Terms to schedule and conduct LWOP reviews. If you wish to petition for review of your commitment, the petition should be addressed directly to the Governor’s office." Some one out of Sacramento’s Board of Prison Terms “Quality Control Unit”, signed the response. I have never heard of such Unit? What quality does it control? What is its function? What is it? Is it some kind of secret society based in or at the Board of Prison Terms? What "quality" does this Control Unit control? Is it L. Ron Hubbard’s scientology? I did send the Board of Prison Terms appeal papers on to the Governor’s office. Where I am sure some other non-existent entity called Quality Control Unit #2 will respond with another slim paragraph telling me to send my parole appeal to some quality control unit. I just passed another birthday. Now I have had 9 more years of birthdays in prison than I had on the streets, the free world. I didn’t foresee speaking about birthdays. I have not celebrated one in years and have never had a birthday party. I got a couple of birthday cards, which is cool. I would rather get a birthday letter with the card and not just a signature on the card. I like to know what’s going on with whomever sent the card. My mom remembered everyone’s birthday. All the 15 boys. Never had a party but she baked a cake. When I got older I had my mom bake me meatloaf instead of cake. My mom’s meatloaf was something special with some tangy tomato type sauce baked right into the meat. When eating my mom’s meatloaf, who needed a party? My mom passed on a long time ago. I remember her birthday, it is about twenty days after mine. My mom, after over 15 years, still comes to me in my dreams - in spirit. She has never left me.
BIRD STUFF
Walking the track this morning I saw my American Indian brother named Foot. Sitting Indian style along the inside track watching something. Six geese were lift on the yard from a flock of 30 or more. They were not 30 feet away from Mr. Foot. As I walked the track I saw the crow on the small soccer net pole, not 10 feet away from where Mr. Foot sat. The crow and Mr. Foot souls or spirits were communing. I asked Mr. Foot later that day what was up. He said the crow was dying and he asked him for his spirit. Fail may be, here already the flocks of geese are not coming back that often to the yard. There is a real chill, a cool breeze in the air. Temperatures have dropped some 20 degrees. I am trying to think of what nature on this Prison compound can indicate the season change. Mother Earth must be given some sign. The black birds, sparrows, crows, turkey vultures and pigeons are here year around. The big red tailed hawk fly’s way high to say much of anything to me. Although now and then I hear the hawk’s call. I sometimes try to hawk call back. Perhaps "Sara" my plant friend can give me some kind of hints.
PRISON DAY
The warders, the Prison free cooks just gave us a sack lunch with some suspect peanut butter and cheese in it that don’t melt. That is crazy - crazy not in the cool sense. I never heard of anyone eating a peanut butter and cheese sandwich on hamburger buns. I will not be the first to try a peanut butter and cheese sandwich not as long as I have one tiny piece of top roman soup. The day started out lukewarm and slow. I sat outside the art room with "Sara" of course and working on this newsletter watching the morning birds prance around for food in the grass. A conservative radio station is supposed to come in today and do a story on the music program here. I was asked to read some poems. I am pondering the idea.
Here the radio station comes now.
I’II sit in on the musical interview and see how it goes. The radio person seemed real and sincere. They are taught to seem that way. Whatever she will do with the interview, the truth will come out real or twisted. I read three poems " Beauty in Cell Bars", "No Beauty in Cell Bars" and "Right Now I Choose Sadness", one of my poems from Judith Tannenbaum´s book "Disguised as a Poem". The interview seemed to go well. But again one will only find out after the final cut and when it’s aired. After the radio interview I went back outside to sit with "Sara" before heading back into the cell and shower time.
WRITING CLASS
Writing classes are still going well. Finally some outside guests got to come in to class again. I step out of the way and allow the free poets and writers to run the class. Still teaching the foundations of writing. Things that can be absorbed from books. I was reading the final book of the series "The Lord of the Rings". I am taking a break from the book reading for the moment. We have a new book for the book club and I cannot remember the name for the moment and I have not had the chance to read or review it. Still the club has not met on the last book we read. Realness people remember to keep writing, in whatever form of writing you like! It is all art and expression, even letter writing.
STAY REAL SECTION
First I want to thank my splendid friend and Peace G. member and writer Ms. Louise Thuresson for her excellent job of editing newsletter #9. Thank you! I promised a friend, a mother in Sweden that I would speak about death, about suicide. A subject close to her heart, about her son feeling so low that he has thought about suicide often, She tells me suicide in Sweden is the leading cause of death among young people. I never thought I would be speaking on this subject, although as a human being serving a life sentence there is not much I have not contemplated. If only for a moment. Sometimes darkness seems endless and we know no ocean can fill it. I have never attempted to take my own life. There have been moments short and long where I pondered would the world be better off if I was dead? Would I be better off? What is death? Is it the beginning, middle or end or all three. I know how painful, unjust useless and unfair life can be and seem to be. With man made tragedies around the world and natural disasters often the total disrespect of Mother Earth by man. I sometimes wonder if there is an ultimate God or Goddess, how can he or she justifies the cruelty and the purpose of this short lived fly’s life. What difference does it make to die now or later? How can the absurdity and cruelty be justified that cannot be reasoned or loved away. I am no expert on suicide or anything else. I shy away from any one who say they are experts on life, death and dealing with the souls, minds, spirits and hearts, Everyone being human including people in the religious and mind fields. The so-called experts can be lost on their own paths or in their own wilderness. Unable to walk in their own shoes, due to beliefs not their own. I listened to this cat, a fellow prisoner the other day, trying to advise this youngster how to stay out of prison. Talking about he was an expert. He said "I am a seven time looser. I have been in and out of prison seven times." I had to let him know what I thought. He was an expert at coming to prison not staying out. He could advise the young on the pitfalls that kept him coming back to prison. Who is really an expert on the mind, spirit, heart and soul. One can only know their own being. We can be there for one another. There is a universal realness we can all tap into. We do that in our own ways and on our own paths. Every fixed star, though moving, has its place and a path. There is a place for each of us on Mother Earth. We all must learn in our own way to till the soil and walk in our own realness.
To the young people who are pondering suicide this very moment. This moment of your deepest darkness. I know it seems like there is no up. There is always an up and it will come to you. And you will know it is always okay to be who you are. I am not saying the world will be a sweet bowl of fruit and at times, it still will be ugly. If we take ourselves out of this life Mother Earth gets a cut, an open wound that may never heal because your individual brilliance is gone. We are all the same and in that same breath everyone’s niche a little different. We each have our own road and our own shining light. Sometimes hidden light that will be uncovered at different periods in our lives. It will show up when we least expect it. You will be able to hear all the birds singing. You will know that just being you even in hard hopeless times is enough. When you look at the stars at night know that they are the same stars I am looking at. Know that I believe in you without conditions and don't have to meet to honour your spirit. Know that I honour your heart, your spirit and realness. Know that we share the same Mother Earth - the same light and darkness. This moment or the next may be the realist day of your life.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
Keep the realness flowing Peace G. May the depths, the fullness and the sweetness of the fall season blossom inside you. May autumn's breath fill your souls with joy and love. Stay Real
Spoon Jackson
